Around the same time last year, I was planning for what I wanted to achieve with you.
You see, everything went well with 2017. I’ve hit the P1M milestone in my net worth and have been continuously growing it then. I just got back to a post I love at work, plus with an extended scope outside of PH. I finished the CMA course and now on my way to take the exams and pass the certification. My family just moved to our permanent home and things are settling in.
I was sailing with the wind and finally seemed to have time to focus on other important things in life. Like what else do I want to do? How do I move forward in my personal life? How could I enrich the life I’m living now?
You held so much promise and potential. I was excited and pressured at the same time to get the most out of you.
But you had different plans for me.
To say the least, I wasn’t prepared. Maybe there were things that I’ve somehow anticipated; other things I have actually pushed for. But you were relentless in giving me everything all at once like a storm lashing on and on. And at first, it did not sink in on me yet how bad your storm was. When I thought, maybe I’ll just hold my ground and wait for the next wave. It will come and it will pass and I’ll be okay.
But I quickly realized that letting this storm pass was not an option. I had to fight my way out of it. And dear, was I not a fighter. You know, I’m usually one who walks away from complicated situations – not because I’m weak, but because I believe in myself. That I can do better than to be dragged in things that didn’t matter at the end of the day. And that life is so much simpler if we just pick our battles – only those battles that challenge our core self. Anything else is distraction.
I’ve come to understand however, that it’s not as easy as how I wanted it to be. When what I value goes against what the people around me do. Our lives are entangled with one another and it’s hard to make a decision singularly, especially if it involves people we deeply care about. And in this storm where the lines were blurred, I took the risk, fought, and gave it everything I’ve got. In my mind I had this picture of myself victorious – happy at the end of it all. I did have a few successes here and there, but today here I am, bruised, beaten, and broken.
But I’m alive. And it’s almost the end of you, 2018! You’ve been tough but life goes on. From here, there’s nowhere to go but up. I still have a lot of questions in my head on why did everything have to happen, what wrong did I do, do I deserve all of this? But sometimes life doesn’t give answers and we need to move forward on our own. And so I will – rising reborn and renewed.
I stand here before you and I’d like to let you know, that I believe that I’ve done my best to live a life I’d be proud of. That I took charge of it and always pushed myself to learn from my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, to grow, to be better. And with this, I am enough. And that’s all I need to bring into 2019.